Twig And Berry's Weblog

Unnecessary Addendum to a Necessary Story

twigandberry — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:32:38 +0000

Get ready to fall off the edge of your seat with this unanticipated epilogue to an unnecessary tale of vision disposal. It all started in the time of really-long-time-ago-land when a vision was seen and an idea was born. Enter: Sol Moscot. The center of all things in life as we know it. This “family run business” is an optometrist and high fashion eye wear boutique with two convenient NYC locations that caters to the vision impaired. At Sol Moscot, all clients are guaranteed to not only have their orders messed up, but also, other (un)desirable situations like not having their insurance accepted, being ignored, waiting for long (unnecessary) amounts of time, and being refused the request to pose for a picture in the interior of the store for no real significant reason. Basically, in short, there is clearly no other place to go for when it comes to contacts and vision correction.

When Ultra Natalee realized her unfortunate, unnecessary fate of unintentional vision disposal, the one positive thing she was able to draw from this was knowing in her heart that she would soon be able to make another trip to the holy land; another trip to Sol Moscot.

BUT—> don’t all get too excited at once now! Ultra Natalee knew her Rx was “expired” and that she might have to do some “fast talking” in order to convince Sol Moscot that No, she didn’t need to ‘come back in for a check up’ that her vision was still “Just Fine” and that she simply wanted to merely re-order her current Rx. Strangely enough, she was able to place the order without a single question asked; without a single drawn-on-eyebrow raised. Then, when realizing she knew “people on the inside” she had them reverse her pre-order payment and claimed that she would merely “pay when picking up” with hopes of running into Fifty-percent-off-Freddy. Looks like Ultra Natalee thought she had it all figured out. That is until…

Ring! Ring! Ultra Natalee batted her glistening eyelashes at the “Sol Moscot” name on the caller ID. Giggling with flirtatious delight she picked up the phone only to have Jessie (a valuable Moscot rep) inform her that her four boxes had arrived and were ready for pick up. Score! All was well until a mere ten minutes later, Ultra Natalee missed a mysterious call from that same very Jessie, pleading and stating that she urgently needed to speak with Ultra Natalee again, as soon as possible. Bewildered beyond reason, Ultra Natalee nervously dialed the number back to the Moscot dieties, crossing her fingers in fierce anticipation of shame or rejection. I’ll let the rest speak for itself:

Jessie: MOSCOT

Ultra Natalee: Hi we just spoke, I’m afraid I just missed a call from you

J: (Lowers voice) Listen, I gotta tell ya, I got into a little trouble about re-ordering your Rx without having you come in for another check up. But here’s the thing…

UN: (Worst fears coming true) I’m listening

J: Apparently last time you were in here, you ordered 8 boxes, but only picked up 6. So basically what I’m trying to tell you is that you have two free boxes sitting here waiting for you. And until those run out, you won’t need to “update your Rx.”

And there you have it.

[This story is dedicated to DJ James Talk for his harsh insistence towards unnecessary blog updates]

Necessary Unnecessariness

twigandberry — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:05:36 +0000

Now that we have schooled you all (all 3 readers out there) in the games of shame and rejection, it is time for a new lesson: adaptation to embracing all things which are “unnecessary.”

That’s right: unnecessariness is the name of the new May game! Just look at the amount of syllables in the word itself! So unnecessary! It’s been recently discovered that all things in life are required to have components which are unnecessary. Let’s take for instance Ultra Natalee’s recent SNAFU. While under-going an intense (nearly rabid) spring clean this past month, Ultra Cinderella-atalee was hard at work in her bathroom, getting rid of unused products, and scrubbing the tiles with strength and determination. In the midst of this cleanse, Ultra Natalee committed the unthinkable: she threw away probably the most expensive product in all of the land (bathroom in this case).

That’s right: goodbye contact lenses! Four boxes to be quite specific. Do you all have any idea how much contacts cost? Let’s just say the loan officer at the local bank branch heard this tale with eyes of sympathy. The discovery of this unnecessary disposal hit Ultra Natalee like a ton of bricks one evening while engaging in a quick shower. But Ultra Natalee had no choice but to embrace the reality of her blindness. And the amount she has blurrily grown since that day is indescribably unsurmountable when it comes to being expressed with words.

Twig and Berry-tionary

twigandberry — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 04:13:16 +0000

A Glossary of terms.TWIG – refers to any type of nut or small, crunchy nut or oat like product. BERRY – anything relating to fruit and sometimes vegetables (varieties are dried, fresh, etc.) THE WAY OF THE RONSON – when a twig or berry catches on to a person or product of high levels of talent that no one else has discovered yet. The twig or berry offers his or her promotional services and suggests that he/she could help bring this person or thing to the next level and make them the next ‘big thing.’ The person or product then goes on to become bigger than the next ‘big thing’ anyway. MACHINE – any type of device that performs actions. Or anything, really. May be used in compound form (i.e. ‘facebook machine’) ALL WHITE PANTSUIT – a prom dress. CRINKLE – AIM or Instant Message Machine. FLAVOR – in proper form, refers to ‘Jamaican Flavors’ in improper form, refers to anything of overwhelmingly delicious taste. PATSY – the goal of ultimate disaster status. THE CENTER OF THE EARTH – 6th Ave/Avenue of the Americas. RUNNING ERRANDS ON A COUCH – usually involves going to the tanning salon. PROMO ONLY – the source of all current entertainment. MARY J. BLIGE – the definition of realness. SWEETER – the difference in taste between a mini-banana and a regular sized banana. HYSTERICAL- term used to confirm hilarity in a situation that is usually not funny at all ( must be pronounced with a Bay Ridge accent only)

It’s a Long Story…

twigandberry — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 04:05:03 +0000

Usually, when told that “It’s a long story,” one is referring to a set of instances that are complicated and jumbled, oftentimes make no sense, and lack a flow of definitive rhyme or reason. “It’s a long story,” is an incorrect way to describe things that:a. are not long storiesb. have less than one tangent or subsequent sequenceThis weekend, Stevtok and Ultra Natalee lived their very own “long story.” The two gleeful youths had one innocent goal in mind: to make it to a large, family style restaurant, eat lots of overpriced food of poor quality, and pay way too much for jumbo sized, way too sugary drinks, containing way too little amounts of alcohol and pleasurable taste. They decided Applebee’s would be the happening joint of the moment, and even had a secret burning desire to be forced to wait in order to see the buzzing, blinking satisfaction brought on by the supernova explosion of a hostess’s alerting device.What better way to spend a Sunday? Really now, what COULD go wrong….Dreams were crushed and hearts were dropped when Stevtok and Ultra Natalee were lead astray by the incorrect map AND directions from the Applebee’s “website.” Ultra Natalee TRUSTED the words on Stevtok’s well composed post-it note to read the right street address. After a phone call to ‘information,’ an insane cab driver who thought it would be wise to let us off at the wrong corner, and the soaring levels of seemingly unquenchable despair, the light at the tunnel was finally spotted once our patience candles had hit the end of our wick.We thought we were safe.But no. After verbally strategizing our drink orders for 20 solid minutes, we were immediately shot down by the sommelier of the moment, our waiter Seth, who advised us that the frozen mango margaritas were a frequent source of customer complaints. Little did we realize that the Strawberry Mango Daquiris he was advising us towards were nearly DOUBLE the price of said Mango margaritas. Did they have the ingerdients for Ultra Natalee’s salad choice? Of course not, why would they? And when she chose to order a different salad “with NO cheese” what on earth would make you think that the actual composition of the order would follow suit? Stevtok’s V-neck was of course slightly soiled by a spill from a passing waiter, but not of course before Stevtok and Ultra Natalee had the chance to hear the Applebee’s Birthday Jingle. Three times strong!!!! Before they knew it, Stevtok was late to his side hustle job and Seth was no where to be found to receive his handsome tip. Basically, as is obvious from the content of this “long story,” the day could not have possibly worked out to be any better.

Ricki-Lee

twigandberry — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:43:46 +0000

Ricki-Lee Coulter (born November 10, 1985) is an New Zealand-born Australian pop singer. She came to fame in 2004 as a contestant on the second series of Australian Idol, before launching a solo career with the album Ricki-Lee on Shock Records. In 2006, she began a year-long stint as a member of Young Divas, with whom she toured the country and released a multi-platinum self-titled album, but decided to leave in mid 2007 in order to concentrate on her solo music. Working with songwriter Roselyn Della Sabina, Coulter wanted to crack the music market in Japan. On August 11, 2007, Coulter released her second solo album Brand New Day.

Ricki-Lee is a fabulous person. Her life is enthralling. However, in order to be a Ricki-Lee fan, one must not have a personal or professional life. There is far to much to concentrate on when it comes to tracking Ricki-Lee’s rise to international superstardom. Not having a life is a small price to pay when it comes to Ricki Lee. Don’t have a job? Who needs one? There are Ricki-Lee music videos to watch on youtube! Don’t have friends to to “hang out” with on a Friday night? No worries….just pop in a Ricki Lee remix into your boombox and BAM…instant party!!! So in the end, Ricki Lee is the center of the universe. She is the perfect excuse to not do life, and to be fabulous while not doing it!!!

Lunch Consulting Service

twigandberry — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:47:41 +0000

The daily grind. There are certain radically unpredictable events in the day that hit you like a ton of bricks and come out of nowhere. One such event of this nature is a little something I like to call “lunch.” How does one decide? What exactly does the perfect “lunch” consist of? When does one know exactly when the right time is to eat this said “lunch”? Choosing the right lunch could make or break your day, and in some rare cases, your week even. Listening to your belly trying to tell you what it wants is beyond difficult. How many people do you know that speak “Belly” these days, now really? Don’t you wish there was a Lunch Consulting Service out there? In a perfect world, there would be a happy place out there, a Call Center perhaps, with guaranteed results of lunch-time satisfaction. Happy, chirping voices would answer the Lunch Consulting Service phones, ask the caller a list of inoffensive, routine questions, and perscribe them the exactly right, exactly perfect lunch. Now that’s what I call getting the biggest bang out of your buck! Except replace “buck” with “phone call” in this case, and maybe “bang” with “amount of satisfaction.”

“I Need Hot Weather”

twigandberry — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 15:19:08 +0000

Now for a “simple” post on this cold rainy, February New York Day. The natural habitat of a twig and berry is tropical. They need hot, sunny weather. Now you may ask… how twigs and berries are able to survive the harsh winter months of New York City? The answer is simple… a delusional attitude. They refuse to admit that winter even exists. They do so by frequenting tanning beds, applying ample coconut body products, wearing at least one tie-dye item a day, living in booty shorts, and of course mini bottles. Through these means, twigs and berries are able to survive the elements of winter. However, the twig and berry are constantly thinking deep down inside (and proclaiming on screen tees)….

I NEED HOT WEATHER!!!

Oxtail Shame

twigandberry — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:34:41 +0000

Shame and Rejection are like the Tigirs and Euphrates rivers, running alongside each other, coursing through Africa (I think). All of us at one point or another are akin to experiencing these two optimally quintessential states of life. Metro Marche Rejection is clearly the finest form and the lowest low, when it comes to Rejection. Conveniently, Stevtok and Ultra Natalee were born in the year of the Ox[tail], which leads me to our next bedtime story: Lore of the Shame, [Comma] Oxtail.

Awkward Office Holiday Party Season. We’ve all been there. It is our time to shine. Many offices throw “parties” where we all have the glorious chance to prove just how much we can truly embarrass ourselves by employing policies of drinking, eating, and socializing which eventually lead to practices of macarena-ing, karaoke-ing, and in rare cases limbo-ing. Other offices have “potlucks” where employees are encouraged to bring agreeable, mainstream flavored dishes for all to enjoy. Stevtok, who has a side hustle of doing independent promotions for our favorite bistro, JAMAICAN FLAVORS, was urged by his colleagues to bring Jamaica’s house specialty: jerk chicken to his office “potluck.” Dialing that 212 phone number with a confident smile on his face, Stevtok knew in his heart that not only would his jerk chicken contribution be the hit of the “potluck,” it would also increase his employee profile and may just lead to that shiny, snazzy new raise he had been eyeing. Colorful plates adorned the break room at the ad agency as tasty looking casseroles saddled up next to crock pots full of warm, home-cooked love. The Jamaican Flavors delivery boy was right on time and Stevtok took his bundle of jerk chicken joy back to the platter he had gleefully set aside for his cash cow. He opened the bag, holding his breath in excited anticipation of what was to come.

Two words: Ox. Tail. That’s right. There had been a minor mistake which had resulted in Stevtok ending up with Oxtail instead of Jerk Chicken. Ox? Tail? Oxtail? Have any of you ever even had Oxtail, no less brought it with you anywhere to “share with friends”? To say Stevtok was mortified would be a grave understatement. How could he show his face amongst friends and colleagues ever again? What was he supposed to do with this said Oxtail? And how was he going to explain to a room full of disappointed Jamaican Flavor fans the disappointment of the century? Not only was his job in jeopardy, his social standing was in hot water also. I’d rather not say what happened next in order to protect the innocent and prevent further harm from being imposed upon those so horridly affected by this unfavorable set of circumstances.

This, my friends, is Oxtail Shame. May none of you ever have to go through the pain and suffering involved in this pitiably tragic game of shame.

“Metro Marche Rejection”

twigandberry — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 21:40:58 +0000

Now that February is once again upon us, it is time to tell a “tail” of long ago. Once upon a time there was a girl named Ultra Natalee. She was a fine young woman. A typical hustleberry. Her greatest companion, Stevtok, was a fellow hustleberry who happened to been a Midtown hustler at the time. For months, Stevtok had marvelled at the latest addition to the Port Authority Bus Terminal. No, it was not another sbarro, but rather a fine bistro called “Metro Marche.” Yes, the Port Authority had seemingly morphed from a haven for homeless crackheads into a mecca of fine dining. While others seemed to embrace Metro Marche, Stevtok found it rather ironic and blew it off as quite an oddity. In one of his witty exchanges with Ultra Natalee, Stevtok sarcastically suggested a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for 2 at Metro Marche. Romantic? Valentine’s Day? Dinner? At Port Authority? Pretty funny joke, right? Well, not to Ultra Natalee. No, poor young hustleberry had marked the 14th of February with the words “Metro Marche” and a little heart around Stevtok’s name. She even bragged to her friends and family about her exciting Valentine’s Day plans. Oh, how naive.

Well when Valentine’s Day finally came, Ultra Natalee put on her finest white pants suit and tredged up to Stevtok’s hustleberry headquarters in Midtown. Upon arrival, she realized something was not right. It was not unusual for Stevtok to be caught up with things mid-hustle, but he seemed particularly blasee about these “Valentine’s Day plans” that Ultra Natalee had so been anticipating. When Ultra Natalee inquired about the “reservations” for Metro Marche, Stevtok was caught off guard. She couldn’t have been serious, right? WRONG. Nothing can desrcibe the look of devastation on Ultra Natalee’s face when Stevtok broke the news to her that there was no dinner reservations at Metro Marche. All these weeks of anticipation had been in vain. Curled up in a fetal position on the floor of a mini-recording studio, Ultra Natalee had reached the point of ULTIMATE REJECTION.

The moral of this story is not to dwell on Ultra Natalee’s unique experience of rejection. Rather, it is too spread the word to all that no matter what, under any circumstance, no one will ever experience a greater form of rejection than her’s. And that is called…..

METRO MARCHE REJECTION.

+++Please note that names and details may have been changed and elaborated to make a more fanciful “tail.”+++

The Queen of Hip Hop/R & B

twigandberry — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 20:46:22 +0000

All reasons for life and sources of inspiration come from one singular source: Mary J. Blige. Without the wise words of Mary, the ultimate diva, the world would be full of wandering confusion. Finding yourself down and in a rut? Pop in a Mary disc and let her guide you towards reason and meaning. Friends come and go. But trust, Mary is in it for the long run. But I’m sure you already knew that.